How Did I Get Myself Into this Mess Called Marriage

It’s just by grace that we are privileged to be among those who will see the beginning of another year. One truth about the fact that we are still alive is that we are still relevant in God’s plan, we still have a purpose to fulfill for God, there is an assignment from God for our lives that is yet to be fulfilled and I pray that we will not leave the face of the earth without emptying ourselves of that which God has deposited in us for use on earth. I also pray that by the special grace of God, this time next year we will gather together to celebrate God’s goodness. None of us shall be missing.

So the time for rest and holidaying is over and we are back to work. And for us in God’s business, it’s time to kick start the year. And I trust the Lord that His word will not be scarce on this blog site, and more lives will be touched by the messages that comes from the throne of God through this blogsite in Jesus name.

In the course of the holidays I was in touch with a friend of mine that I seldom get in touch with and she told me how she has been using the messages that from this blog to bless many lives. As we chatted on several issues; we discussed about marriages and she forwarded several stories of abuse in marriages in different forms and degree to me, and sincerely I realized that there is so much still to be said and done to assist couples as they strive for better marital lives and experience. I pray that the Lord will use me in doing great things in the homes and marriages of many people in Jesus Name.

Some of the stories my friend shared with me included wives whose husbands married them just because they had money and they are the ones paying their husband’s bills and not the other way round. Any attempt by the wives not to make available funds to their husbands on request or demand was accompanied by abuse of different forms including physical abuse such as beating. In some other cases the husband will start to give negative report about the wife saying she is unfaithful to her marriage vows.

One instance that sounds so interesting was that the said wife had exhausted all her income and savings on her husband and when the man realized there was no money left he asked her to go sell her parents belonging and bring the money to him. And when she refused he walked out of the marriage.

 Another story of abuse saw the husband beating the wife to death all because she had no money to give him. Another case of marriage abuse led to the separation of the husband and the wife with the wife going back to beg the husband and having to give up on her career for her husband.

These are stories that I trust the Lord to help us find solutions to and hope and pray that people will similar problems such as this or if possible those whose stories have been shared will read this and get a lasting solution to their marital problem.

First I want to sympathize with wives experiencing such intense abuse in marriage such as this, but still I will say that this problem is there because their marriages were built or established on a wrong foundation. I am tempted to say that these people got married for the very wrong reasons. God will not place His beloved ones in harm’s way in the name of getting married. People who have gotten married out of desperation or in the name of love without divine consultation with God before entering into marriage are most prone to the kind of stories I have shared above. But nonetheless, whatever the marriage situation you are in at the moment, it is not beyond the ability of God to remedy and making a beautiful end out of the mess called marriage that you have as long as you are wise enough to run to Him and drop your mess at His feet.

Nobody can help you in this kind of mess but Jesus. Nobody can bring about the change in the life of your husband except the Lord who made him. Proverbs 21:1 says “The king’s heart is in the hands of God; he directs it like a watercourse wherever he pleases.”  If anyone tells you your husband will change outside the touch of Christ he/she is only lying to you, only the Lord can direct the heart of your husband as He pleases. And if anybody tells you your husband cannot change and the best and safe thing to do is to leave the marriage, they are also lying to you. And so again I’ll trust the Lord to help us find a lasting and beautiful solution to this problem.

As a wife the first thing is to recognize that your husband has a problems and he requires your help. It’s not by draining yourself financially and dumping your life savings at his feet to waste away as he likes, that you’ll be helping him, but by genuinely running to God on his behalf and seeking the face of God to make him the ideal responsible husband who is not lazy but diligent at his work and able to provide for his family as the Lord has destined him to be. A man who will work diligently and take care of his family rather than being lazy and bullying his wife into meeting his frivolous wants.

In Genesis 2:18-25, we read and understand that a wife is the suitable helper placed in the life of a man as God’s divine provision for the man in times when he needs help. So a man who is abusive to his wife and an extortionist rather than a protector of his wife is a man who obviously needs help. He needs help to overcome his abusive life style and he needs help in the area of laziness. And from the revelation of the Bible his wife is God’s ordained help for his life even in this area of his need.

A woman married to such a man like this needs wisdom, prayers and understand. This woman first needs to run to the throne of God and remain there. This wife needs to ensure that she has truly established a relationship with Jesus Christ and she lives a righteous and holy life before the Lord, then she will be able to approach the throne of God on behalf of her husband and marriage and be sure that she will get an answer. As she continues to stand in the gap for her husband in prayer and faith, it is just a matter of time for her to begin to enjoy the beautiful results that she has always yearned for.

As she listens to God and obeys His word for her life and that of her husband and marriage, she will learn to submit to her husband even though he has issues. 1 Peter 3:1-3 says that if a wife is married to an unbelieving husband, it is through the purity and reverence of her life that the husband will be won over to God. Your attitude towards your husband is a tool in the hands of God in bringing about the change in him that you desire. Even when you have to decline your husband’s request on his never ending demands for money, do it will politeness and reverence rather than being confrontational or sound insulting. Proverbs 15:1 says “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” So even in your refusal, try and be gentle. Your presentation matters a lot.

I mentioned earlier that those who marry out of desperation or out of love rather than divine consultation with God before getting married are more prone to this kind situation, but this is not limited to those who married for the wrong reasons. But running out your marriage is not a solution, running to God and learning to trust Him to help you handle your marital mess is a surer and lasting solution that will give you peace of mind and you will enjoy the beauty of marriage as God intends it to be. May the Lord bless your homes in Jesus Name.

After Many Years The Dream Is Coming True

A very beautiful day to the beautiful people of God and I hope you had a beautiful Easter celebration. May Jesus continually be alive in our lives daily as we live to please God everyday of our lives.
Managing a website and a blogsite concurrently can be a big task with the added responsibilities of being a wife and a mother with additional assignment of been a pen in God's hands in writing life changes books as the Lord desires to meet the needs of His people and have them walk blamelessly and uprightly before Him. So I beg you to please bear with me if I am unable to share a post everyday, I trust God to at least give me grace to share His word three times within a week. All blog posts are also available on http://www.thewordthatsuits.com/ in addition to other inspiring articles that I trust the Lord will bless your life and calm your nerves and you trust God to lift you up daily and give you victory in all of your life's challenges.
In today's post I think I will move a little off core marriage issues and try to discuss something else of equal interest. Less than two weeks ago the presidential election held in my very own dear country Nigeria. It was adjudged by most people as free and fair, and based on my own conclusion it reflected the will of the masses. But all these  is not of serious interest to me, the lesson I learned in the outcome of that election was the determined, diligent persistence of the now president-elect of the country. This man had contested the presidential election in Nigeria four consecutive times and only emerging the winner on the fourth attempt. And so for twelve years, every four years, he puts himself up as a candidate and prepares better after every failed attempt for the next attempt, and finally on the fourth attempt he got it right.
Proverbs 12:24 says "Diligent hands rule, but laziness ends in slave labour." Based on the English dictionary, diligent is defined as the following: 1) constant in effort to accomplish something, 2) attentive and persistent in doing anything, 3) done or pursued with persevering attention; painstaking. When we look at what the Bible says in Proverbs 12:24 and the definition of the word diligent, what I can make of it is that if you want to attain that level of rulership in your desired dream, then you must be ready try and keep trying with persevering attention until you get to your goal. A confirmed loser is one who gave up on his/her dream with achieving the set goal.
How far a man will go in life is determined by how much painstaking effort he is ready and willing to put into the pursuits of his dream not minding the amount of times he fails or falls. For every time you meet with an obstacle in the pursuit of your dream, the more your increase and improve effort for the next attempt, correcting the errors of the previous attempt and improving on the tactics and techniques to be employed in the next attempt.
I have very close people to me who are not very good with risk taking. Once an attempt is made more than once and it has failed then that is a no go area of them such a pursuit is better dropped than it becomes a waste of resources. In as much as I am against waste, I am also a stubborn purser of a dream or course that I believe in. I don't give up just easily on my dreams and even though I have a pile of dreams and desires yet to be fulfilled, the story of Nigeria's president-elect is a reawakening motivator for me that with persevering attention and determined focus, it is just a matter of time for my dreams to come true for me.
The beauty of my own situation is that I have Christ as my anchor. I have infused my dreams and desires in Him, I have fine-tuned my will into His will for me based on what my Bible teaches me and I know that if I will just hang on much longer I will have the manifestation of what I am hoping for.

Luke 1: 5-7, 13, 36-37
In the time of Herod king of Judea there was a priest named Zechariah, who belonged to the priestly division of Abijah; his wife Elizabeth was also a descendant of Aaron. Both of them were upright in the sight of God, observing all the Lord's commandments and regulations blamelessly. But they had no children, because Elizabeth was barren; and they were both well on in years.

But the angel said to him: "Do not be afraid, Zechariah; your prayers has been heard. Your wife will bear you a son, and you are to give him the name John." 

Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be barren is in her sixth month. For nothing is impossible with God.

I will like to close this article with the miracle in the life of Elizabeth. The Bible tells us that Zechariah and his wife Elizabeth served the Lord and they observed the commandments of God blamelessly till old age while still praying for the gift of a child. They were diligent in service to God in the wake of barrenness. They sought for a child with perseverance and persistence not shifting focus from God but served Him blamelessly.
I can't tell how many years it took for their dreams to come through, but the Bible tells us that in their wait on the Lord for the manifestation of their prayers they had become well on in years. They were already getting old. Another fact about them was that they were already tagged barren, because the angel God sent to Mary told her that even your relative who is said to be barren is in her sixth month.
I don't know what your dreams are and at what level of accomplishment you are at this point in time, I don't know for how long you have been waiting on the Lord for answers to those prayers or how many failed attempt you have recorded in your pursuits, the truth of the matter is that the vision is for an appointed time and even though it may tarry, please wait for it. It will come and will not delay.
The president-elect of my country had three previous failed attempt on the presidency but without giving up on his dreams he is a fulfilled man today. And Zechariah has prayed many years for a child but yet at the appointed time his prayers were heard and answered. So please I beg you to prayerfully not give up on your dreams because diligent hands really does rule.

Helpmeet Not Helpmate. Interesting Story To Read

I am so sorry if it appears as if I speak to the women more on marriage issues, but on the backdrop of the fact that the woman has been assigned as the home builder by God, it's important that we do all that we can as wives to build a successful home worthy of God's commendation. As always I'll say it's a privilege to share God's word with His people again on this blog. I thank God for His word that is always shared on this platform, and I appreciate everyone who takes the time to read them.
A few hours ago I heard a story of a couple who had a fight, and because I have a keen interest in marriage issues I took my time to hear out the entire drama that unfolded. And the story goes like this:
A young couple were living happily together, when the wife had their first child, the wife's mother and the husband's sister came around to help out in nursing the new-born as the child was their first. The husband's sister didn't spend much time as she had her own family to take care of but she just had to be their because their mother who would have carried out the task was late.
But rather than the wife's mother spending a short while and leaving too, she decided to stay-put and live large on her son-law's hard earned money. She has just been separated from her third husband and so she has no husband to report to. She was also not there alone but came in the company of other relatives in the name of cousins, brothers and  sister. Soon their home became an extended family home with total lack of privacy for the husband. The wife really didn't mind as those around were her family members.
When the husband could no longer take the intrusion on his privacy in the name of helping to nurse his son, he asked the wife to find a means of telling her family members to return to their home. When he noticed the wife was not doing a good job of the assignment he gave her, he took it upon himself to show the intruders the exit door, with his attitude indicating they should not bother to come back.
Just recently the husband was expecting his young cousin who was coming to spend a few nights with them. This he told his wife ahead of the time of the visit so that she came prepare for the visitor coming. But rather than the wife preparing for the visit, she picked a fight with her husband saying if he would not allow his mummy stay over in their house, then his cousin is also not welcomed in the house.
Initially the husband thought the wife was joking until she began to push him and insist he cannot leave the house as he had promised the visitor to come pick him up for the visit. She broke his eye glasses, and in fact left some bit marks on his body. When she went to the toilet to ease herself the husband sneaked out of the house to park his car properly in the garage as he had already called the intending visitor to postpone the visit. On returning to the front door, the wife had locked him out and he had to pass the night in his car.

Proverbs 21:9
Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.

Proverbs 21:19
Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife.

I have to confess that this story is a little beyond me but did it happened real life. I have heard so much about a wife been maltreated by her husband, but the case of a wife been physically confrontational towards her husband and been the originator of the fight is pretty rear and this confirms what Solomon said in Proverbs 19:13b that "a quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping." A wife such as the one whose story is told above cannot add value to her husband, she is a constant dripping to her husband. 
If for any reason the husband had decided to react negatively, the aggressor will not be the wife, but the husband yet the wife is the originator of the fight, a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife. That a woman will comfortable sleep in the house with her husband sleeping in the car in the garage by her doing makes me wonder what kind of a woman she is and what report she intends to give God over her assignment in the life of her husband assigned to be by God.
Dealing with the issue that caused the fight which originated from the wife; The husband is the head of the home, and in marriage the interference of parents and parents in-law, sisters, brothers, cousins, nephews and nieces are not allowed. That is why the Bible says marriage is about leaving and uniting.
Secondly, if the husband has invited his family member over to spend a few nights and as his wife you do not approve of it, there are better ways to deal with it rather than a fight. There are ways and timing to air your views such that your attitude will push your husband to apologize to you rather than fight him. And in this case you are actually fighting for your mother to live with you rather than prevent your husband from bringing in a visitor. As a married woman your number one assignment and priority is your husband above your mother This might sound cruel, but the Lord ordained it so. You are to support and help your husband and not prove equality with him in the home. The Lord formed the wife to be a suitable helper to her husband. She is a helpmeet in his life and not a helpmate.
This story has generated so much thought in me, and I will appreciate that as you read this, you leave a comment and tell me your view on the matter is.

There are other interesting stories and articles to read and learn from on my website http://www.thewordthatsuits.com/. For my Nigerian readers, you can not pre-order any of my books by filling out the pre-order form on http://www.thewordthatsuits.com/books excerpts from the books are available on the page of each book title on the dropdown of the books page. Thank you so much and God bless you.

The Woman And Her Many Demands.

Good evening my beautiful people. I bless God for grace to be given another opportunity to share a word again on this blog. It's going to be another word of wisdom for the married women and I trust the Lord that what is read and learned on this blog site will impact lives and homes positively in Jesus Name.
Yesterday I went for a meeting with the head of the publishing unit of my church, and rather than talk about the main business of the meeting, as women we began to discuss marriage. One interesting aspect of the discussion was the assumed perception of women that their husbands should meet all of their needs/wants. Failure of the man to do this amounts to big problems in the home. And beyond just mere discussion, this scenario plays out in so many home and so there is a need to search the word of God to know the mind of God on this matter.

1 Timothy 5:8
If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. 

Proverbs 31:13-18
She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.
She is like the merchants ships, bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls.
She considers a field and buys it; out of her earning she plants a vine yard.
She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.

These passages are places in the Bible where I can find something said on the topic of providing for the home. I am yet to come across a place in the Bible where it is said that the husband will meet all the needs/wants of his wife. Although I also agree that the man is to provide for the needs of his home. By God's design, the husband is responsible for his family. 1 Timothy 3:4 says a man aspiring to be an overseer of a church must be one who has managed his family well. But I am yet to see anywhere in the Bible where it is said that a woman should be solely dependent on her husband to meet her financial obligations.
A wife as a suitable helper, one of the areas where the wife is to come in and assist her husband as the Lord has ordained it is in the area of providing for the home. In Proverbs 31 as the passage above shows, a wife among other things is expected to work with eager hands. She is expected to provide food for her household, she is expected to bring her food from afar. These are the qualities of her wife of noble character that has been groomed by the Lord and placed in the life of her husband as a suitable helper.
With these in mind, it can be truly said that two are better than one. It is not all the time that a man is in good financial standing. And so during the financial down times of the man, his wife is the God provided shocks absorber placed in his life to help him at these times.
A wife is not placed in the life of his husband to make endless unrealistic demands just because he married her, rather she is in his life to HELP and SUPPORT him to be all that God has called him to be. A wife is also a vessel in hands of God in providing for the needs of the home. No wonder Solomon said in Proverbs 31:12 that a wife of noble character brings her husband good and not harm all the days of her life.
I very much acknowledge the fact that some men get laid back and do not want to provide for their families once they are aware that their wives is financially capable to do so much in the home. The ignorance of such men in that they jeopardize their own prosperity when carry on with that mind set. A man who does not provide for his family, especially his immediate family, the Bible says is worse than an unbeliever. But when the husband genuinely lacks the financial means to meet up with his obligation in the home, then it is just ideal that his wife steps in to help until things get better again for her husband and this the Lord expects her to do in humility and total submission to her husband.  

Trust Vs Betrayal, How Do You Deal With This

I am so very sorry not to have been able to share God's word on this blog in about two days. It's due to the fact that I am running another platform a little broader than this and since the website is been redesigned from what it used to be, my attention is a little divided, but all efforts are towards sharing the word of God and supporting individuals to be better in what the Lord has assigned them to be and do.
One major factor that is assumed to be a success ingredient in building and retaining a successful marriage is TRUST. I shared a story on my website http://www.thewordthatsuits.com/stories-that-teach about a lady who was freaking out because she says she feels betrayed by her husband. And so I'll trust God to open our minds to the issue of trust in marriage.
The first truth that I want us to understand is that humanly speaking, without the grace of God it is difficult to keep faith when the issue of trust arises. There are some who are faithful with their spouses on sex related matters, but are not faithful in other areas such as finances, extended family issues etec. For a man to be totally faithful to his spouse then he must be a man that the Spirit of God truly dwells inside of him.  

Jeremiah 17: 5-10

This is what the Lord says:

“Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord. He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no-one lives.

“But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?

“The Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve.” 

If it is true that it will take only the grace of God for a man to be truly and completely faithful to his wife in all areas and the same theory applies to the woman, and going by what God said in the passage above, then the next thought that comes to mind is: How is it possible to carry on with marriage where trust is highly required? This question now leads us to how we can build trust in our marriage in a healthy way.

I once shared a post on building trust in marriage http://derinsolaobasa.blogspot.com/2013/06/building-trust-in-marriage.html, and I will still discuss today's post on the same line of reasoning. God said, "Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength." So God does not expect that for any reason at all you should trust any man or depend on any flesh for strength. Although I don't mean this in a negative way, but please follow me closely as we discover more from the word of God.

I very much agree that trust is essential in marriage, but it will be wise if you can channel your trust to your spouse through the route of God. In truth, your spouse will disappoint you, yes, he/she will betray you. Not because he/she wants to hurt you, in fact some betrayal will be conceived as a means to protect you, but yet you are being betrayed. They will betray you because they are just being human and probably cannot help the situation. 

God said the heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. And so to invest your trust in man whether your husband or wife is a risk too costly to take. If I will come to this conclusion, then there is the need to know how to handle the issue of trust in your marriage. And what I will recommend (same I have applied in my marriage) is that rather than trust your spouse, you trust the Lord. Proverbs 21:1 says "The king's heart is in the hand of the Lord; he directs it like a watercourse where he pleases." If the king's heart is in the hands of God, then your husband/wife's heart is also in His hands. Whatever changes you desire to see happen in the life of your husband or wife, it is safer to trust God to make it happen in him or her, than to believe your husband or wife will change by his/her own doing or just because you want him/her to change. 

It is the Lord who form your spouse, He alone searches the heart and examines the mind of your spouse. Beyond where you can ever reach in the heart of your spouse God has been there and know what resides there. If you ever need to trust your spouse on any issue, place the matter before God. Hear Him speak reassuringly to you on it, and just relax and watch your spouse display the majestic power of God that gives you peace in your soul. When you learn to do this, you will have no reason to freak out over a betrayal by your spouse because the Lord whom you trust above your spouse will ensure that you are never betrayed.

A Comparison Between Your Spouse And Your Children

It's a good and blessed feeling to be able to share the truth of the word of God again this beautiful day. I appreciate God for His word that is unending on this blog site and I appreciate you who take your time to drop by to read and part-take of the grace of God shared on this blog site.
On two different occasions I have had this question asked me and also on a forum where I belong and so today I am trusting God to help shed a little light on it. And the question is: "If I am asked to choose between my husband and my children, who will I choose? My response to this question is that between my husband and children, there has never been a basis for comparison. My husband and children hold different places in my life and my God given assignment in my husband's life and that of my children are distinctively different.
For the benefit of those who are yet to understand the difference or have resorted to using their children to fill in the vacuum created by a deficiency in their marriage, we need to go back to the origin of marriage and see how things should be.

Genesis 2:18, 20b-25
Then the Lord said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."

But for Adam, no suitable helper was found. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. 
The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman' for she was taken out of the man."
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
The man and his wife where both naked, and they felt no shame. 

Psalm 127:3-5
Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children are a reward from him. 
Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. 
Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate. 

Malachi 2:15
Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.

In order to have a better understanding of our life's purpose in relations to our spouse and children, we'll consider what God has assigned us to do for our spouse and children respectively. Marriage did not start with the children and does not also end with the children. So the children cannot be compared to any spouse in marriage. The Lord God Almighty realised that it was not good for the man to be alone and so He created a helper for him in his wife and not children. The Lord made the woman who is the wife to the husband from the rib extract  from the husband's rib that she might effectively help and support the man in what God has assigned him to do.
By reason of the fact that the wife was made from the rib taken out of her husband automatically makes her one with her husband and so the man and his wife and united as one entity in flesh and in spirit before God and man. So if there is a vacuum in the life of either the wife or husband, it cannot be filled by the children. The place occupied by the children in marriage is totally different and out of the ideal marriage picture. A marriage covenant ends when either of the spouse dies. Before God not even divorce is strong enough to end a marriage covenant as God says He hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). The death of a child does not end a marriage covenant, only the death of any of the two principal parties namely the husband or wife ends a marriage covenant.
The wife's assignment in life given to her by God is to be a suitable helper to her husband. In fact that was the sole reason why God formed the woman. Her assignment as a mother is second to her primary assignment to be suitable helper to her husband. The man on the other hand has been given dominion over all that God created. He is to watch over and be an administrator over all that God created and this he should do with the help of his wife. The administrative assignment of the husband includes the training of his children in the way of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4 reads "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." and in Malachi 2:15 God said He made the man and his wife one because He was seeking Godly offspring. So raising godly offspring is as assignment for the man with the assistance of his wife from the Lord.
In Genesis 18:19, God revealed that He chose Abraham so that he will direct his children and household after him to keep the way of the Lord by doing what is right and just. As a man your children are part of the administrative assignment given to you by God. And this explains why Paul instructed in 1 Timothy 3:4, that a man aspiring to be an administrator over the church must first be an excellent administrator of his family. And your suitable helper in that task of administration in your family and any other front is your wife. Your wife is God assigned help in the task of administration in the home. So to the man, his wife and children are suppose to hold separate place in his life. God enabled a strong love between a father and his children for effective disciplinary purposes, such that a man can train his children right in love. The absence of love in any form of discipline and training amount to abuse, and that is not of God.
For the wife, you primary assignment on earth, in fact the sole reason why God thought up the need to create a woman is that she might be a suitable helper to her husband first before becoming a mother to her children and any other assignment given to her. You are not effectively fulfilling your purpose on earth when you allow your motherly assignment to override you role as a suitable helper.
The woman is the channel for reproduction and as such she carries a lot of attachment for the seed that germinated inside of her and grew to become a full human. The love a mother has for her child is a very deep love, and this love is to very necessary because it aids the woman need in nursing her baby to maturity. The tender care that a baby needs to grow can only come from the deep love of a mother. This love necessitates an urgency in the mother to watch over and give the necessary care to her children, but this love is not there to replace the love of a wife to her husband. It serves an entirely different purpose than the love you are required to have for your husband. 
For some with issues in their marriages and have resolved to fill the vacuum in their lives with the love of their children, well I will say that this love does not fit in the space. And this trend my lead to the parents been overbearing in the lives of their children, which might it turn lead to the children not growing up to fit into their adult responsibilities as they have grown to be overdependent on their parents or the children becoming rebellion in the bid to free themselves from the overbearing control of the parent/s.
In the issue of marriage and the home there is a need for a balance. You are a husband or wife to your spouse, and still a mother of father to your child/children. In the same you resides the sister or brother to your siblings and a child to your parents. But in all these, there is the need for a balance. As a wife your first responsibility is to your husband in all of the relationship that God has laid your path. And as a husband your first focus is your wife, she houses God's favour in your life. All other relationships though important, are secondary in the hierarchy of priority in your life. It is very important that a man loves his children and also very important that a mother have deep love for the seed she bore, but this love does not override or replace the love of a husband to his wife or a wife to her husband. May the living God help us understand this better in Jesus Name. 

The Secret To A Man's Success

1 Samuel 25: 2-3
A certain man in Maon, who had property there at Carmel, was very wealthy. He had a thousand goats and three thousand sheep, which he was shearing in Carmel. His name was Nabal and his wife's name was Abigail. She was an intelligent and beautiful woman, but her husband, a Calebite, was surly and mean in his dealings.

It another beautiful day, and another wonderful opportunity to share the word of God. In today's blog post, I will want to share some discoveries the Lord is opening up my heart to in the life of a woman in the Bible named Abigail. The book of 1 Samuel 25 tells the story of a man named Nabal and his wife Abigail and I believe this story contains a lot of lessons for the women.
The first thing that was said about the couple is that a man in Maon who had property at Carmel was very wealthy, and the author of that book in the Bible went on to describe the wealth of this man. But immediately the name Nabal was mentioned, the wife's name followed. Now reading in-between the lines of this passage, I will say that behind the wealth of Nabal is his wife Abigail. You know the saying goes that "behind every successful man is a woman."
To confirm my thoughts of the impact of Abigail on her husband's wealth, we will notice that the author first gave the characteristics of Abigail the wife of wealthy Nabal as an intelligent and beautiful woman before giving the characteristics of Nabal himself (as a surly and mean man). Nabal's name was mentioned first and his characteristics second, while Abigail's name was mentioned first with her characteristics first. This arrangement tells me that the secret to Nabal's wealth resides in the intelligence and beauty of his wife.
I have come to understand that as a suitable helper in the life of my husband, the success of my assignment given to me by God lies in the success of my husband being all that God has called him to be. So if my husband succeeds then automatically I have also succeeded. Then my prayers and support for his life has not been in vain. If on the other hand, my husband is yet to attain what God has called him to do and be in life, then my assignment is not getting a pass mark. Then I need to double my efforts, pray more, seek wisdom to support him more and watch over him the more.
The assignment to be a helper in your husband's life has not made you a head over him. The fact that your success in God's assignment for your life is tied to your husband's success does not then mean you should become tired and aggressive towards your husband. Rather it means you need to pray more, show more submission to him, show him more love and respect, treat him with high esteem and honour him the more. By so doing you are giving God greater tools to work with and work through in making your husband all that He the Lord has designed him to be. Remember that Peter said in 1 Peter 3:1-2 that it is through your behaviour and not your words that your unbelieving husband will be won over to God, when he sees the purity and the reverence of your life.
Going back to the story of Abigail, we will note that her husband Nabal was surly and mean, so to say that he was a wicked man. He was wicked enough for the Bible to actually call him wicked, yet that was not enough reason for Abigail to turn her back on him. The Bible never said Nabal treated his wife with exception, because if he did the Bible would have mentioned it that "although he treated his wife fairly." But the Bible just simple said Nabal was surly and mean and I want to believe that that was his behaviour towards every one around him without the exception of his wife. But still Abigail the intelligent and beautiful woman stood by her surly and mean husband whose wealth I believe is not without her impact.
If we read on in the chapter, we will see Nabal display his cruelty when he refused to help David who had earlier helped him watch over his shepherds and cattle when they were at Carmel. This action of Nabal was to fetch him his total destruction as David had vowed to kill him and his entire household for his cruelty. But here comes the intelligent and beautiful wife of mean and surly Nabal to the rescue again.
Immediately Abigail got the information of what her husband had done which I believe is not a strange thing to her, she didn't go fighting her husband. She was not fearful. As the suitable helper to her husband, in wisdom, she rose up and packed all that David had requested for. Food and drinks, enough for him and his men were packed on donkeys and sent ahead of her to plead the case of her mean and surly husband.

1 Samuel 25:14-19
One of the servants told Nabal's wife Abigail: "David sent messengers from the desert to give our master his greetings, but he hurled insults at them. Yet these men were very good to us. They did not ill-treat us, and the whole time we were out in the fields near them nothing was missing. Night and day they were a wall around us all the time we were herding our sheep near them. Now think it over and see what you can do, because disaster is hanging over our master and his whole household. He is such a wicked man that no-one can talk to him."
Abigail lost no time. She took two hundred loaves of bread, two skins of wine, five dressed sheep, five seahs of grain, a hundred cakes of raisins and two hundred cakes of pressed figs, and loaded them on donkeys. Then she told her servants. "Go on ahead; I'll follow you." But she did not tell her husband Nabal.

The above passage here is what Abigail did when she heard the trouble her husband had gotten himself into with him negative character. And by the time we read the story through, though Abigail was able to save Nabal from the wrath of David, but not from the hands of God.
The lessons we are learning from this passage is the approved attitude of a woman of God who is also a wife of noble character. She is designed by God to be the secret success in the life of her husband. Yes your husband might be wealthy and affluent, but it will be such a nice thing for him to know that he would not have gotten such success without your help and support. Though your husband might acknowledge it or not, but let it be known to you and to God that you did your bit in helping the husband that God has placed over your life to be all that God has destined him to be. Let it be known to him that without your help it would not have been easy.