Responding to Your Questions

Hello God’s people, it’s a beautiful day again and it is the day the Lord has made and we will rejoice and be glad in it. I personally thank God for His mercies and grace on my life, on my husband, on my children and on you who take the time to read the messages on this blog and I pray that the blessings of the Lord will forever remain on our lives and not just that, but we will be sources of joy and blessings to those we encounter in our life’s journey in Jesus name.

Sometime back I shared a post about a man I met while waiting in the lobby of a game’s room for my husband and while waiting I got talking to this man. Below is the excerpt of the blog and I wish to revisit that discussion so as to share some responses that I got, and also to give my won conclusion on the matter. So below is a recap of the post and the responses that came afterwards. 

I had almost closed the topic of communication in marriage, believing that enough had been said on that issue. But yesterday I met a man; I had never seen this man before and in fact I don’t know his name. I was seated with in a lobby while waiting for my husband to get done with his game. I sat there watching a Nigerian movie on the T.V screen in the lobby with this total stranger and the story line of the film ignited a conversation between us. Our discussion centered on marriage and reason why couples cheat on each other. I told the man that based on my opinion, for any part of a couple to cheat on his/her partner then such a person lacks self-control and personal discipline.

He agreed with me, but made a confession that invariably prompted me to realize that there is still more to be said and shared on the issue of communication in marriage. This man told me he’d been married for close to 11years and he opened up to me that he once cheated on his wife. He said whenever he sees a lady he is tempted to lust over, the first thing he searches for is if the lady has a quality about her that his wife does not have. Probably to give himself a kind of personal justification for doing what he should not do. He went on to say that the lady he had the extra-marital affair with a lady who was not better than his wife in any way, but she was someone he felt comfortable talking to. She was always available to talk to and she gives him intelligent advises on issues bothering him. That was his main attraction and attachment to the lady. When he realized that was the singular additive that this lady possessed that was lacking in his wife, he tried to bring that side of his wife out, and was always trying to engage her in conversations outside the usual home issues, but up till yesterday that we spoke he has not made much progress in getting from his wife that value added that his girlfriend/mistress provided for him. According to him each time he tries to talk to her, she always complains of being tired and needing to rest. This is the story as was told to me, if the man is still seeing this other lady I don’t know.

From the discussion I was able to gather that this man’s wife is an account and she does the tedious 8am-5pm work and so in her defense I tried to give the excuse that maybe its work pressure that is responsible for her always being too tired for some off the regular play discussions/chats with her husband. But this man responded that even his mistress/girlfriend does the tedious 8am-5pm job and yet she finds time out to discuss with him.

In as much as I do have a word or two for this man and his wife, I need a word from you on this matter. Is the wife getting too comfortable and careless with her marriage? Is the husband right for seeking outside what he desires so badly but can’t get from his wife? What more could the husband have done to get his wife to be what he wants her to be? I am begging everyone to please drop their thought on this matter and let’s rob minds together. 

Response 1

Dear Derin, happy celebration of the Easter once again, I read your message and I have this to say: Many times we tend to find fault in our partner when in truth the answer lies with us. As this for man, it is possible that the wife’s reaction to communication with him might be as a result of some unresolved issues. We have different ways in which we handle issues. For every action there is a reaction. In this case, maybe in time past when they both have discussions, he always puts the wife down and treat her like a senseless idiot and this can be one big hurt in the heart of his wife. Her not talking to him may be a tool of defense to protect herself. I have been there before, I know how it feels. No wife wants her husband to look down on her, it can rid her of her self-worth and self-esteem. It is easy to talk to another person and feel she fills in the gap, but in truth he should truthfully ask himself where he has missed it and make amends instead of creating another issue of concern. Many men treat their wives as slaves other than a wife and what they get is the response of a slave. Men need to get it right. 1 Peter 3:7 is a command not an advise. Thanks.

Response 2

Did he talk to his wife about the issue before he chose to have extramarital affair? If yes, did he involve people who are close to the wife and can intervene? There are two sides to every story, I as a woman and a Christian will not support his action.

Response 3

Babes Aderinsola, I want to first appreciate your previous post on your blog, they are indeed inspired by God. More grace in Jesus name. Now about the cheating husband and insensitive wife, I want to believe the husband still got is wrong by cheating on his wife. He just has to still try hard to make her talk. There are reasons everyday one of the spouses can hold in order to justify why he/she went overboard but no reason is good enough for extra-marital affairs. The communication should be worked on. If he wants to justify the lack of effective communication as the reason, then when that is solved another might surface.

Response 4

People always make excuses for being unfaithful.

Above are responses to the blog post and I am so very grateful for these responses, I sincerely hope and pray that a lot of men will read this post, most especially the responses and begin to sit up and do the needful in their marriages. I pray that God will raise a man that will take up the task of touching the hearts of his fellow men to be better husbands. I have read a lot on the cry of women for the need for more committed husbands. We as women have the capacity to grow and multiple the seed sown in us, so if only our husbands will take the time to sow the right seeds, it is just a matter of time for them to begin to reap bountiful harvest of love, care, respect and every other thing they desire from a wife as they sow the seeds in us.

I totally agree with all of these responses, and I am also of the same view that no matter the situation on ground there is no excuse for extra-marital affairs. It is so very true that people will always make an excuse for being unfaithful but as a wife you need to be very sensitive with your marriage so as not to be an excuse for your husband to be unfaithful to you. 
Going back to the issue at hand, this man never mentioned that he prayed about the situation. We remember that in the book of Genesis Isaac prayed to God for the need in the life of his wife. It was Isaac who prayed out the barrenness of Rebekah, something his father Abraham never did for his wife Sarah. Rather than men seeking the short cut to issues in their marriage, like Isaac its important that they pray hard and persevere over the challenges in their marriage in order to avoid making mistakes they will end up regretting.

One of the responses raised an issue that I think is worth pondering on, she said probably the wife was reacting to a previous hurt she experienced. She said probably in previous conversions the husband puts the wife down in her contribution and treats her like a senseless idiot. This is an area I am sure a lot of women have experienced hurt from their husbands. Now this is a very wrong way to treat a woman. I have heard it said and I agree with that school of thought, that women always multiple what you give to them. If you sow good seeds in your wife, she will multiple the good seed and produce more good for you in return. And if you sow bad seeds in her, she will multiple it and in same manner produce more trouble for you. In that case, divorcing her or cheating on her does not make you a good man, you only deepen your problems with acts that comes with severe negative after effect. It is simply a case of you reaping what you have sown and the only remedy is to change your seed to good ones that you might reap good that multiples from what you have sown.

You can't bring out the best in your wife by treating her like a piece of rubbish. When your wife is handled like a glorified housemaid, you should not expect anything more from her than a housemaid reaction. When you treat your wife like a queen, that automatically makes you the king of her life, so when you want to feel like a king and enjoy royalty in your home, just start by treating your wife like a queen and the kingship is yours for the taking. May the Lord bless our homes.